Akatsuki Crack
by kawkodile
Summary: read and lol
1. Chapter 1

The point of these storys are to make my readers and fans laugh at theses foolish, random, and hilarious little stories. Each chapter is one little story about an akatsuki member. This one's about Hidan and its called: **HIDAN'S PROFANITY PROBLEM **so read on and enjoy! (ps- i used to be iNobody)

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"Ugh! That fucking leader won't allow me to put up Buddha posters in my chamber! God, why does he always act like a shit-head!? Damn, that dumbass is always over his head! God! I don't give a shit for this!" Hidan cursed very loudly. "Uh…Hidan? I know you're so Amish and all…but why do you always swear?" Tobi asked Hidan politely. "Because you stupid-shit, it matches my looks." Hidan looked at his purple polished nails. "Bastards! COME ON! WHEN IS OUR FREAKING MEETING!?" Hidan called out. "Hidan, it will be in just a moment." Deidara tried to calm Hidan down. "God damn it all! I forgot to pray!" Hidan swore. "Crap. I seriously need to use a bathroom. My penis is gonna burst!" Hidan shouted some more. The akatsuki members looked at each other and took one step back. "What the hell are you looking at?! I'll fu—you're mothers!" Hidan yelled.

As Hidan went to the bathroom, the akatsuki members chatted with each other. "Hidan's profanity has crossed the limit. It's gone to the utterly savage extreme!" the leader barked. "So what should we do about it?" Sasori asked. "I could always eat him if he gets to high…" Zetsu offered. "Ah, SHUT UP!" the leader cried. "Ooh! I know!" Tobi was eager to please. We could send him to Daycare Assistance Makes Ninjas Yearn Onto Utility." Tobi suggested. "Oh that daycare! Damnyou." The leader pondered. "Yeah, we'll take him there…"

Hidan came out of the bathroom holding his scythe. "I have to polish my shitty scythe because it's working like crap because it's too damn blunt." Hidan narrowed his eyes in a slit. "Oh, Hidan, I could take you to a blacksmith so he can…um…fix it for…you?" Kisame offered. "Yeah whatever." Hidan said. So Kisame and Hidan went inside the akatsuki car. It was a black limo with red moons on it. It had a hot-tub in it too. Kisame got in and so did Hidan. Kisame whispered to the driver to go to the Damnyou Daycare, when Hidan really thought he was going to a blacksmith. "Hey Kisame…nice butt." Hidan nodded coolly. "What the hell, Hidan...?" a sweatdrop appeared on Kisame's head. "Wanna go hot-tubbing?" Hidan asked. "Dude, I know your profanity is insane, but I didn't know you were gay." Kisame suddenly got the urge to wield his sword. "Sick pervert." Kisame went to the shotgun because he was scared to be in the back. When he went, Hidan stuck up his middle finger at him.

"We made the final stop." The driver announced. "Great…" Kisame was relieved. He went out of the car and Hidan followed. It was a pink, fuzzy, perfectly harmless little place filled with laughing kids and hobos dressed in huge pink heart-suits. Kisame went in to check Hidan in. "You stay out here, dude." Kisame said as he went inside. "Okay, I'll need to know his name, age, and hobby." The old lady at the desk said. "Hidan…32…a freak who does rituals." Kisame said. "Okay…come pick him up at 6:00." The old lady chewed her gum. Kisame looked at the clock. It was 3. Could Hidan last three whole hours? Who cares. Kisame snuck outside and left. "Kisame, WTF are you doing in there!?" Hidan banged on the daycare door.

"Hey Mista, you want a lick of my ice cream?" a cute girl walked up to Hidan and tugged on his cloak. Hidan turned into his skeleton-like form and roared in the girl's face. "ROOOOOOOAAAAR!" The girl was alarmed and frightened half to death. "AIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!" she screamed and dropped her ice cream.

"Hey Hidan, why are you here?" a voice said. Hidan twirled around and saw Itachi Uchiha. "Why the hell are YOU here!?" Hidan asked back. "I used my forbidden technique on the toilet…" Itachi said. "You know, the Crap-o-Flame no Jutsu?" Itachi said. "Yeah…" Hidan recalled that. "You want to get drunk?" Hidan asked Itachi. "Sure dude. There must be some beer here." Itachi smirked. Hidan walked up to a 4-year old boy and picked him up by the collar. "Hey, do you have any weed?" Hidan asked. The boy nodded. "Go get it for me." Hidan commanded. The boy went away and returned with a dandelion in his hand. "Weed." The boy gave it to Hidan. "Ugh! Frickin' retard! Don't you know what weed is!" Hidan shouted at the boy. In turn, the boy started to wail and ran around the whole place screaming for his mommy.

"There should be some weed inside the daycare." Itachi said. Right now, they were outside on the playground. "Okay, let's go, bro." Hidan said. Hidan looked in the sky, lifted his hands in the air and screamed, "AMEN!"

Inside, the clerk spotted the two akatsuki members. "You must be the guys that do the presentation! Come, come! You're late!" the lady grabbed Hidan and Itachi by the hands and rushed them into the multipurpose room. Little kids filled the whole room. Hidan and Itachi went up on stage. Itachi put on his sunglasses to look cool. "Okay kids! These two gentlemen will teach you about drugs and how bad they a—YAH!" the woman started to talk but just then she felt someone grab her behind. She turned around to see Hidan smirking. Hidan made the call me sign with his fingers. The woman stepped off the stage. "P-please, began your presentation!" she said. Then she scurried out of the room blushing. It was silent. Itachi and Hidan looked at each other. "Maybe we should sing these brats a song?" Hidan said. "Oh, I know just the one that will teach them a fine lesson." Itachi said. "Hey kids! Do you know the barney theme song?!" Itachi cried out to the kids. "Yeah!!" all the kids cheered. "Sing this to the tune of barney! I'll sing it first, then you!" Itachi said.

Then Itachi began to sing, and it wasn't pleasant. "KILL YOUR MOM! KILL YOUR DAD! KILLING MAKES ME OH-SO GLAD! WITH A GREAT BIG STAB AND A KICK FROM ME TO YOU! KILL YOUR CLAN BEFORE THEY KILL YOU!"

All the kids just stared at Itachi. Then they began to cry wildly. "WAAAAAAAH!" the whole multipurpose room was filled with the sobs from children. "You idiot, you suck at singing!" Hidan yelled at Itachi. "SHUT THE HELL UP!" Hidan shouted so loud at the kids. The kids stopped their weeping. "Go home, get a life, or get shot! JESUS CHRIST!!!" Hidan shouted. "Let's get out of here." Itachi said. On the way back to the akatsuki hideout, Hidan and Itachi started to talk about their adventure in the daycare. "So, was it fun?" Itachi asked Hidan. "It was a damn good hell-of-a-way waste of time, you nigger!" Hidan frowned. Even though Hidan didn't stop swearing, his ass gets kicked by Shikamaru. Win-win solution :D

**END**

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_Please Review_

**The next chapter is about Kisame, so please be patient for the next short story:**

**Kisame's Reunion**


	2. Chapter 2

"Kisame-san, why are you half fish?" Tobi one day asked Kisame. "Ehehehehe…most interesting question." Kisame replied. "Well you see, my father was a Hokage of the Village Hidden in the Mist, and he was… well…he was married to a fish." Kisame frowned when Tobi giggled. "Not to mock you, Kisame-san, but where are they now?" Tobi asked. "I killed my father and my mother is somewhere at Seaworld." Kisame explained. "Seaworld! Gosh! In Orlando, Florida!" Tobi was amazed. "How'd you get free?" Tobi asked. "I posed as a swimsuit manikin." Kisame said. "How clever, indeed!" Tobi applauded for the cocky Kisame.

And then their conversation was over. A few weeks later, Tobi went to Kisame again holding two Seaworld tickets. "Kisame-san! I just bought to Seaworld tickets on eBay! We can go see your mother!" he exclaimed. "One…Tobi, I don't want to see a freaking fish called 'my mother'. Two…Seaworld's all the way in the U.S and we're in Japan….and Three…those tickets are expired." Kisame remarked. "HOLY CRAP THEY ARE EXPIRED!" Tobi checked the dates. "Ebay you rip-off!!!!!!" Tobi yelled as he threw the tickets on the floor and stomped on them.

The next day Tobi reappeared with two MORE Seaworld tickets. "Kisame-san! These aren't expired! I checked the dates! Tobi is a good boy, right?" Tobi said happily. "Hmm…well I guess I could go see my mom and maybe barbecue her later…" Kisame said. "Huh? What was that last part?" Tobi asked. "Nothing, let's go." Kisame smirked.

It was a long 8-hour drive by plane. "Are we there yet, Kisame-san?" Tobi was eager. "No, Tobi.' Kisame answered. "Are we there yet now?" Tobi asked again. "Tobi, it's an 8-HOUR drive, not 8 minute drive!" Kisame shouted. 8 hours had finally passed. Tobi was munching on complimentary peanuts while Kisame slept. Finally, the announcer proclaimed, "All making a stop for SeaWorld, please exit."

"That's us, Kisame-san! That's us!" Tobi shook Kisame awake. "We're there?" Kisame asked. "Yup!" Tobi cheered. They exited and took the ramp off the plane and down onto the ground. "Now to find my---" Kisame started but Tobi interrupted.

"Oooh, look Kisame-san! A rollercoaster!" Tobi cried as he went on.

"No, Tobi--!!" Kisame began but Tobi had already taken his seat. He went up, up, up, up, up, up and up way into the clouds. Then finally….ZOOOOOM!!! They went rushing straight down at a 90 degree angle. Tobi's face was pale when he came off.

"That was fun, Kisame-san. –hic- You should of came on, too---BLARGH!!!!!" Tobi barfed all over Kisame's cloak.

"Urgh! Tobi, I just had this damn thing dry-cleaned!" Kisame yelled. Tobi gave him a weak smile.

While on the search for Kisame's mother, Tobi spotted some dolphins. "Hey Kisame-san, want to swim with the dolphins?" Tobi asked. At the moment Kisame couldn't resist. Those juicy, blood infested creatures from the deep blue…

"Jaws time!" Kisame yelled. He jumped into the pool. In a few seconds the pool was tainted red.

"Kisame-saaaan!" Tobi wailed. a.k.a Kisame stepped out of the pool, mouth full of dolphin and dripped with blood. "Shall we continue?" Kisame looked at Tobi who twitched.

Finally, they reached the fish tank. "Is there any Blue Rainbow Trouts here?" Kisame asked. "Your mother was a blue rainbow trout? Beautiful!" Tobi exclaimed. "I'm sorry, but the last one just died. It was a female." The manger of the fish tank told Kisame. "I'm so sorry, Kisame-san." Tobi looked down. "Damn, I was looking forward to eating that…" Kisame said with no shame. "But, we still have it's corpse in the garbage. You can pick it out for five bucks." The greedy manager smirked. "Deal." Kisame gave the manager a five dollar bill and checked the garbage.

"Ah, here it is. The tropical blue rainbow trout." Kisame said. "Hmm, it's too smelly to eat, so--" Kisame sniffed it. "So you'll bury it and pray for happiness and peace for your mother?" Tobi suggested.

"Hell no! I'm flushing it down the toilet!"


End file.
